Standing Outside The Fire

On Tuesday I started taking hormones again. So far I am just taking 1 pill, 3 times a day, but it goes up from here. I am excited but also scared. I want to move forward but once I do and get my hopes up, then I only get hurt again. And I say again, because every time there is a change in plans, when things don't go as they should, it is heart breaking.

I was listening to an old Garth Brooks song the other day called, "Standing Outside the Fire" It is all about putting your heart on the line for love, but it is so applicable in the infertility journey as well.

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned
We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned
But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall
We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all
They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire
There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Those last lines are so applicable. It is a long, miserable, heart breaking journey where you do get burned. But I don't think it is living, with out trying. I know people who have chosen to do nothing on their infertility journey. Each person has to make their own choice of what works for their lives, I understand that. But for me it is not an option. I put myself in this situation because, "The slightest chance love might exist, And for that forsake it all." Having done it before, I know it is worth it. I have wonderful kids who fulfill my life in so many ways. Maybe that is why I am willing to go back through this journey and not be content to stand outside the fire.

This time around I have talked with many people to share my journey and let them help me along the way. I also read a fabulous book by an LDS author entitled Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing. I loved this book and thank my friend for lending it to me. I would highly recommend everyone read it. Even if you are not infertile it can give you an insite into those of us who struggle and help you to understand what we are going through.